"It's like the ebb and flow of the tides" my mom told me last week, when I had called her to review some of the more challenging events in my life that I have been navigating lately. In learning about the “perfect storm” of foreclosure, relationships that end and autoimmune illnesses, I have learned about the importance of having a tight routine to stay grounded while making decisions quickly. I also know that relying on family and friends for additional support is always good too.
Long ago I developed a team of people to help me when "life gets in the way" as my rehab professor used to say. So the other day, I contacted my financial planner, Beth Jones at Third Eye Associates to review some of my financial backed decisions as I wanted to make sure I was on the right track. We had a great discussion and after talking to her for the initial few seconds, I "got it" that this call was filled with some of the insight and wisdom I needed to keep on track; I grabbed my pen and started writing.
Here are her 7 quotes that inspired me:
1. "You gotta let go of the idea that you are a failure and all of the frustration that goes with it and do what is appropriate today." For me, failing in a relationship has been something that has been difficult. My parents have been married for over 55 years; losing a relationship after 12 has been troubling in that while I would like to learn from the lessons of the past, taking a long hard stare into a failed relationship can be extremely draining emotionally. Additionally, having all of the financial stressors that go with a failed relationship only makes these issues tougher to face.
2. "Keep it really simple." - Simple right? - I could tweet this.
3. "Allow your feelings to be there but don't let them encompass you." Speaks to the importance of moving through the feelings and emotions we have instead of getting "stuck" or detatching from them completely.
4. "Find a fully, functioning adult and then go play." This was the tail end of a discussion about knowing when you've learned the lessons you need to move forward. While I like to think that I know a lot about relationships, when you're in the middle of one that's not going well, it's not always easy to figure out how to resolve issues and conflicts. It’s also difficult to get back to “you” from the “us” as a couple.
Retrospectively, it reminded me of the time I had attended a conference with Melody Beattie only to hear (at the last minute) that she would not be coming. While I was disappointed, I later heard that her absence was a result of a tragic incident where her son had been killed while skiing. One of her books that addressed this issue a few years later, spoke to the importance of being yourself and not letting people change you, your values or beliefs. In thinking about what makes a great relationship, I wonder if it has more to do with just accepting each other for who we are without having to adjust to become someone you’re not. While I think I learned this lesson in “counseling school”, I think that as “life got in the way” - as my professor used to say, I got a little lost. Or - there’s a huge difference between learning about something in a college course vs. experiencing it firsthand.
5. "It is what it is: an appropriate action right now in the world that you're living in and with the circumstances you're dealing with." - This when discussing how to navigate a foreclosure. Jimmy Buffett once said "I may or I may not be indecisive". When I make fast decisions under stress, it's not always easy to figure out which ones are the best and if the ones I'm making are appropriate. This year has been filled with decisions that need to be made without having all of the information needed to make the decision and then having to hold on for the ride.
One of my colleagues recently lost her home as well. She told me “I lost my home - wait a minute, that’s not right, I lost my house” she said, and then clarified the difference between the house that had been auctioned to the home where she was now living with her family. Through it all, her story inspired me as she never lost faith - ever. Yes, there were days when she struggled and you could see the pain in her eyes as she decided what to take with her and what to let go. Now whenever I see her, she is cheerful, smiling and happy with where her journey has brought her. It’s amazing and gives me hope.
6. “Make it very manageable with very low overhead.” This was the suggestion for finding a new place. And while that’s a very important recommendation with regard to size and living space, here’s what I know for sure: As I sit her in my house / home in Germantown MD, it occurs to me that I am at my best when I am on the back deck of the boat in Brenton Cove (which honestly, my closest friends will tell you in a second). You can take me away from Rhode Island, the salt water, the fog, the high - and yes, the low tide (and the smell that goes with it), the muffled sound of fog horns in the early morning as well as the lobstah, chowdah, steemahs, and grilled swordfish and no matter where I am in this world, I will always live in a home that looks like the interior of a yacht club and my foul weather gear and sea boots will always be tucked away somewhere in a closet. There will be an expensive clam shell door knocker. Someday there will be a nice expensive weather station and a large autographed yacht print from Onne van der Wal. And yes, it would all be nice if it overlooked the beach on Anna Maria but for now, I’ll have to wait.
7. “Move forward and prosper - have the living space and peace of mind to create what’s possible.” It’s time.
All this from my financial planner, Beth Jones at Third Eye Associates. If you’re looking for a financial planner, these guys are the best. And I’m so incredibly grateful for having people in my life that have an immense amount of wisdom, compassion and insight that is far beyond their chosen careers and talents.
